Monday, June 21, 2010

How Marriage Exposes our Sins

My affair....

So, I guess I feel the need to "Air My Dirty Laundry" as a way of confessing my sins and to rid me of those sins. I am so tired of people using my dirt against me. Here's the thing, it really doesn't bother me when they bring it up. It goes to show how immature that person really is. But, I want to just get it all out there that way there are no secrets, people have "heard what they have heard" but they don't know the truth and since they are so nosy I will give them the truth. It's good for my soul anyway, I need to get it out there and off my chest. I was always told that my story could help someone I hope this helps someone today.

Yes, I cheated on my husband. Was it the worse mistake of my life? One of them! I hate that I did what I did but I wouldn't go back and change anything because I now know that Michael loves me more than any man could ever love me. I know how committed he is to me and what a strong and loving person he is. It opened my eyes to a lot of things in my own life and character as well as his.

See, in the beginning I was scorned because a few months after Michael and I had gotten married he was trying to get back with his x-girlfriend. I shut down completely!! I thought this man I just married was nothing like other men, he wouldn't leave me, we were so much in love and had a strong and loving bond. Well little did I know at the time he was having some different feelings. From then on out after finding out how nasty my husband talked about me and what kind of person he really thought I was, nothing was the same.

Shortly after that came the addiction to drugs and then the affair. I was at a point in my life where I didn't care about myself much less Michael. He had hurt me in so many ways with the email I found, never taking my side, I was the one always thrown under the bus. I was tired of it. If I had a husband who wasn't going to fight for me what was the point of anything? I figured I had already failed by marrying someone like him. Now keep in mind I was never a saint. I was mean verbally at times, I went a little crazy when I had our son because I didn't agree with a lot of things. But the way I looked at Michael before all this happened, he was honestly my knight in shining armor. There was no one or nothing that could keep us apart. When I found the email, then everything else started to happen that view of Michael changed pretty quickly. I was hurt.

I trusted Michael like I had never trusted anyone before and he broke all of that and what hurt the most is the nasty way he talked about me and we had just gotten married and he was looking for a way out.

I have such guilt over the situation!! I think Michael and I have both grown and learned from our experiences. I think we love each other more now than we ever did. I seen a side of Michael that I don't know that I would have ever seen had the affair not happened. During that time when I was seeing another guy Michael stayed at my mothers house. Well when I would have to go to work he would come over early in the mornings so that I didn't have to wake Jace and he would stay with him all day until I got home. Well I didn't leave for work till about 6am and Michael would always show up about 3am, get on the couch with me and just hold me. Now what other man could have done that knowing I was seeing another man? That was a moment in time where I knew he loved me and he wasn't going anywhere. When he would get on that couch with me and wrap his arms around me, I felt the safest I had ever felt in my whole life. But at the time I was a messed up girl, confused and didn't know what I wanted.

We did have some funny moments during this time. Like my boyfriend had just left our apartment and I called Michael to come over cause Jace was acting all crazy and I was tired. Well the next thing I know I realize that my boyfriend is stalking me. I get a text message that says why is your husband at the house. Michael looked at me and said "well you just got caught cheating on your boyfriend with your husband". I busted out laughing and we still laugh about that today. I'm pretty sure Michael stayed that night.

Not all of the times were funny. Well I guess that was the only time. It killed me to see my husband in so much pain. He never ever gave up trying to get me back. It was annoying at times but it showed me what true love was. I had never seen Michael so vulnerable and hurt.

In the book I am reading Sacred Marriage it talks about a wife having an affair and the husband can't stop throwing it up in her face. The author calls it "a vicious grasp for power". Michael very rarely ever threw anything up in my face but you better believe I was real good at throwing Michelle up in his face any chance I got. I was so hurt and I was grasping for power. I wanted to make him feel small and make my pain not hurt so much. When really all I did was hurt both of us. It does no good to throw stuff up at people when they are still wounded so badly (or ever).

The author gives another story of a man who he and his wife had been together eight years and he felt as if his wife was boring and that she just didn't understand him anymore and that they've grown apart. When it is brought to his attention that what he is saying is really "I am selfish, and I am having serious priority problems-even to the point of risking an affair" he realized that it was him that needed to do some changing. He was looking for fulfillment in all the wrong places. When we get in places like this in our marriages it's good to first start changing ourselves and see what is really going on, what is missing. "The mature response is not to leave; it's to change-ourselves" the author points out.

The satisfaction you may find in an affair for a period of time is going to fade. It is only temporary!! All relationships have their hard times, we all can get to the point where we are bored or we feel certain ways but that is our issue to work through and running into someone else's arms is going to do nothing but make the situations worse!

"Sin will lead to self-destruction if we allow it to. The same sin that confronts two different men can lead one to a greater understanding and therefore to greater maturity and growth, at the same time that it leads another man into a cycle of denial, deception and spiritual destruction."

I know Michael and I came out stronger people, more mature, more confident in each other. I know now that he is always going to be there no matter how rough times get and that's what a marriage is about! He wasn't going to give up on us and deep down in my heart I wasn't going to give up on him or ever let him go. But we got thrown a few curve balls in our immature marriage and it has turned us into a much more mature couple. What was God's lesson to me? I think it was for me to see that not everyone is like the men before Michael. The one's who damaged me. It was to learn to love again, to get rid of this hard heart of mine because it isn't fair to my husband! So, all of this is coming about in my life. I am seeing all the lessons in the hard times and I am doing everything I can to get the most out of them.