Tuesday, July 19, 2011

A Tired and Broken Heart!

I just logged into Blogger for the very first time in a long time and so much has happened since I have posted all those insightful posts! I sure did get off track and little to my knowledge so did my husband. At the time I was writing the posts and had rededicated myself to God, reading about marriage and how I could change myself to better our marriage and giving small breakdowns of the chapters, my husband was currently having an emotional affair with a woman (shall I say kid) at work. Looking back now it makes complete sense as to why God was drawing me to him, I look back at that time and see that God was preparing me for what was to come. I always felt like God was trying to tell me something with the scriptures He pointed out. I was focused on me, trying to fix me and praying for God to fix my husband (his will be done of course).

I know now that my husband and I wouldn't be at the place we are at now in our marriage if I hadn't have grew closer to God and let him prepare me for what was to come (although I was clueless that He was doing that). Had I not started going to church and got my husband involved I'm afraid that the turn out wouldn't have been as positive as it has been. I planted the seed in him, the church and his new friends watered it and God made it grow. I am thankful that during this time when he was having this affair with this woman, I was able to set the example of Christ. Through me God took care of my husband, through me God showed him the way and that his ways were not as innocent as he thought. The more and more Michael went to church and seen my changes, the more guilt he felt. He knew it wasn't right but continued to do it. Then just so happens I get a job where he is working and he tells her he has to stop because what he was doing was wrong. I don't know that he really told her that, he has told me many stories and for that I am still bitter. The point is God put me where he knew I needed to be! The affair stopped and for that I am grateful to God because he is the only one who could have changed that.

Then don't you know after I said I have learned from my mistakes and would never again cheat on my husband, guess what I did? You guessed it! I was angry, bitter, resentful because I have tried and tried to be a better wife for him when all along he didn't see it, didn't want to see it, and in my mind things were never going to change. At this time I had no idea of his affair. I found that out recently. So, we are working long, grueling hours at work, never see each other, I'm full of hate, anger and resentment and this guy comes along. He shows interest in me, looks at me, smiles at me, eventually starts singing to me, hugging me, kissing me and I could see the passion in his eyes for me. Something I hadn't seen in my husband for years! I ate it up like a little teenage girl. My husband didn't give it to me, my husband didn't care about me or our marriage, he didn't want to work on things (just sweep it under the rug as always). So, as you can see I had every excuse in the world to give up on my marriage and husband because my prayers weren't answered right away (although they were but I didn't know it because I didn't know about Michael's affair at the time) and I couldn't see the promises of Christ (that if I did this, He would do this for my marriage). I punched that time clock and was OUT!

So, instead of looking to God to fill that void (once again) I expected another man to fill it for me, not my husband this time. I should have talked to God, ask him to fill the void that I was so desperately yearning for. I had that blindfold over my eyes and had given up on God, myself, and my husband.

How selfish of me! After I said time and time again I would never put myself, Michael, God or another person through that pain, I did it again anyway. It's funny how when your mind isn't focused on Christ how more and more that narrow road becomes broad! How easy it is to forget what you are supposed to live for when the going gets tough. How easy it is to give up and live in the flesh rather than the spirit. I know God was still there during this time but I am sure he had his back turned and couldn't bare to look at my sins.

After the storms we faced during this time and the recent confessions of my husband comes the sunshine slowly but surely. Here and there we will get a little sprinkle of rain, maybe even a little thunder and lightening, but the sun always peeps it's head back through. We know the purpose of what happened, we see what God was doing and now our marriage is stronger than it has ever been! I have never loved him or respected him as much as I do now. I didn't know what he needed as a husband and he didn't know what I needed as a wife. Well let's be honest, we didn't have a clue what marriage was supposed to be. I had a great example of my grandparents, I was raised in a Christian home with the morals of Christ. Michael on the other hand seen his grandparents marriage but his mother had married like five times and I don't know that any of them lived a real Christian life. People can say they are Christian all day long but if they don't walk in the light, they aren't much of an example.

Now we see a much clearer image of what marriage is supposed to be like, we have a better understanding of each other, we have a better understanding of who we want to be, we know marriage is work and we have a lot of hard work ahead of us, and we now know that we want to be the Christ like people we are called to be! We are closer than ever now but there is still a lot of healing for both of us to do. We have to realize this isn't something we can just move on from, keep going forward and not deal with the issues at hand and the issues we had to cause us to do what we did. We have to face these issues, the hurt, pain and disappointment. We have to work and learn so that it doesn't happen again, we have to have a plan, we have to try and save each other from this happening again. We have to know what each others needs are, we have to hold each other accountable, we have to learn HOW TO LOVE and what LOVE really is. To love like Christ is very difficult to do sometimes. We can't slack off and if one person needs something we must put their needs above our own. We have a lot of learning to do, growing to do and healing to do.

With God all things are possible right! We can do this but our focus must be fixed on God at all times. If he is not at the center, we will fail again. I can't take anymore heart break. I'm tired of a tired and broken heart.