A Tired and Broken Heart!

I just logged into Blogger for the very first time in a long time and so much has happened since I have posted all those insightful posts! I sure did get off track and little to my knowledge so did my husband. At the time I was writing the posts and had rededicated myself to God, reading about marriage and how I could change myself to better our marriage and giving small breakdowns of the chapters, my husband was currently having an emotional affair with a woman (shall I say kid) at work. Looking back now it makes complete sense as to why God was drawing me to him, I look back at that time and see that God was preparing me for what was to come. I always felt like God was trying to tell me something with the scriptures He pointed out. I was focused on me, trying to fix me and praying for God to fix my husband (his will be done of course).

I know now that my husband and I wouldn't be at the place we are at now in our marriage if I hadn't have grew closer to God and let him prepare me for what was to come (although I was clueless that He was doing that). Had I not started going to church and got my husband involved I'm afraid that the turn out wouldn't have been as positive as it has been. I planted the seed in him, the church and his new friends watered it and God made it grow. I am thankful that during this time when he was having this affair with this woman, I was able to set the example of Christ. Through me God took care of my husband, through me God showed him the way and that his ways were not as innocent as he thought. The more and more Michael went to church and seen my changes, the more guilt he felt. He knew it wasn't right but continued to do it. Then just so happens I get a job where he is working and he tells her he has to stop because what he was doing was wrong. I don't know that he really told her that, he has told me many stories and for that I am still bitter. The point is God put me where he knew I needed to be! The affair stopped and for that I am grateful to God because he is the only one who could have changed that.

Then don't you know after I said I have learned from my mistakes and would never again cheat on my husband, guess what I did? You guessed it! I was angry, bitter, resentful because I have tried and tried to be a better wife for him when all along he didn't see it, didn't want to see it, and in my mind things were never going to change. At this time I had no idea of his affair. I found that out recently. So, we are working long, grueling hours at work, never see each other, I'm full of hate, anger and resentment and this guy comes along. He shows interest in me, looks at me, smiles at me, eventually starts singing to me, hugging me, kissing me and I could see the passion in his eyes for me. Something I hadn't seen in my husband for years! I ate it up like a little teenage girl. My husband didn't give it to me, my husband didn't care about me or our marriage, he didn't want to work on things (just sweep it under the rug as always). So, as you can see I had every excuse in the world to give up on my marriage and husband because my prayers weren't answered right away (although they were but I didn't know it because I didn't know about Michael's affair at the time) and I couldn't see the promises of Christ (that if I did this, He would do this for my marriage). I punched that time clock and was OUT!

So, instead of looking to God to fill that void (once again) I expected another man to fill it for me, not my husband this time. I should have talked to God, ask him to fill the void that I was so desperately yearning for. I had that blindfold over my eyes and had given up on God, myself, and my husband.

How selfish of me! After I said time and time again I would never put myself, Michael, God or another person through that pain, I did it again anyway. It's funny how when your mind isn't focused on Christ how more and more that narrow road becomes broad! How easy it is to forget what you are supposed to live for when the going gets tough. How easy it is to give up and live in the flesh rather than the spirit. I know God was still there during this time but I am sure he had his back turned and couldn't bare to look at my sins.

After the storms we faced during this time and the recent confessions of my husband comes the sunshine slowly but surely. Here and there we will get a little sprinkle of rain, maybe even a little thunder and lightening, but the sun always peeps it's head back through. We know the purpose of what happened, we see what God was doing and now our marriage is stronger than it has ever been! I have never loved him or respected him as much as I do now. I didn't know what he needed as a husband and he didn't know what I needed as a wife. Well let's be honest, we didn't have a clue what marriage was supposed to be. I had a great example of my grandparents, I was raised in a Christian home with the morals of Christ. Michael on the other hand seen his grandparents marriage but his mother had married like five times and I don't know that any of them lived a real Christian life. People can say they are Christian all day long but if they don't walk in the light, they aren't much of an example.

Now we see a much clearer image of what marriage is supposed to be like, we have a better understanding of each other, we have a better understanding of who we want to be, we know marriage is work and we have a lot of hard work ahead of us, and we now know that we want to be the Christ like people we are called to be! We are closer than ever now but there is still a lot of healing for both of us to do. We have to realize this isn't something we can just move on from, keep going forward and not deal with the issues at hand and the issues we had to cause us to do what we did. We have to face these issues, the hurt, pain and disappointment. We have to work and learn so that it doesn't happen again, we have to have a plan, we have to try and save each other from this happening again. We have to know what each others needs are, we have to hold each other accountable, we have to learn HOW TO LOVE and what LOVE really is. To love like Christ is very difficult to do sometimes. We can't slack off and if one person needs something we must put their needs above our own. We have a lot of learning to do, growing to do and healing to do.

With God all things are possible right! We can do this but our focus must be fixed on God at all times. If he is not at the center, we will fail again. I can't take anymore heart break. I'm tired of a tired and broken heart.

SACRED STRUGGLE....CHAPT 8

EMBRACING DIFFICULTY IN ORDER TO BUILD CHARACTER......

"In the same way, the "collisions" of marriage can create relationships of beauty. Beauty is often birthed in struggle. These points of impact may not be "fun"-in fact, they can make us feel like we're being ripped apart-but the process can make us stronger, build our character, and deepen our faith."

I think this quote sums up the chapter. Suck it up, times get tough and God never promised that it would be easy. Trails will come and we have to work through them to become closer to him, to become better people, better Christians. So face the struggles head on, what are you scared of? I have been through so much crap in my life and when I look back at how brave I was at even five years old telling a grown man to shut up and leave my mother alone I know that had to come from somewhere. All those trails I was put through as a child, made me a stronger person today and has prepared me for the bigger trails I would face as an adult.

"Few people leave a marriage because it's too easy! This tendency to avoid difficulty is a grave spiritual failing that can and often does keep us in Christian infancy." "Our Lord has sovereignty ordained that our refining process take place as we go through difficulties, not around them."

So, in other words don't run from your problems. They are there for a reason, God lets us go through these trails so that we will become closer to him, that we will grow into the people he has meant for us to be. When you run you won't learn the lesson, you will remain in Christian infancy.

"If your marriage is tough, get down on your knees and thank God that he has given you an opportunity for unparalleled spiritual growth."

If we all had this attitude and thanked God for everything and not just go to him to complain or ask him to fix certain things life might be better. The man upstairs knows what he is doing, he isn't going to give us too much, he is right here beside us the entire way. He doesn't want to see one of his children suffer. Would you want to see one of your children suffer? Of course not, but sometimes we have to step back and let them learn for themselves and it is up to them to chose the right path. But we are there to pick them up when they fall and chose the wrong path and so is God. He is right there ready to pick you up. So, be grateful that he gives us the opportunity to learn and go through these things to be better people. I've went through so much and I wouldn't go back and change a thing. Not even when a grown man was touching me in places he shouldn't have been when I was only 12. All my experiences have made me who I am and I think I turned out pretty well!! I thank God for those experiences and I don't mind going through the hard times when I know it is going to help me and others in the long run.

We have to pick up our crosses DAILY right? We make a decision every morning when we open our eyes if we are going to live for God or let evil take over. It's not just that one time when you get baptized, this narrow road is an everyday struggle that you have to wake up and recommit your life everyday, pick up your cross and die to this world. Then throughout the day you may have to go back to God and say....."well I sure could use some help right now big daddy".

I don't know about you all but I love Paul!! He and I have a lot in common but in 2 Corinthians 4:17 he says "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." If Paul says so then I do believe it....this man had a lot of good things to say and done a lot of great things. He too was a sinner at one point and people didn't trust him and doubted him. I love when people doubt me, gives me more the reason to prove myself and work harder and I think that's what Paul did too.

A little something that I learned in AA and also is mentioned in this book is we can't control what our spouse say or does or what the world around us is doing but we can control ourselves, how we act and respond in certain situations. We have to be the one's who are going to push ourselves to work through the hard marriage, difficult children, difficult parents, co-workers. Whatever the case may be. We have to be the one's to control how we take stuff in and not worry about the other people around us because we can't control it. Let people say what they want, do what they want, in the end DON'T LET THEM LIVE IN YOUR HEAD RENT FREE!! Give it to God and let it go. You may have to do this one hundred times a day, swallow your pride at times, look like a wuss but you know what.....Heaven to me is a much better pay off than saying what I may want to say at the time, or beating their head in the concrete (yea I have issues).

When you are going through all these issues look to God. If you don't have him, you better find him. With God life is a lot easier, the troubles are even a little easier if you have faith. I know God is going to take care of me, I know there is a purpose, I know I can go and talk to him when I feel like my marriage or whatever is failing and he will bring me through that. If you don't have God your problems look bigger and heavier than you can imagine, I know I've been there. Get right with the Big Man and see if He don't do wonderful things in your life.

Sacred History...Chapter seven...

"He wrapped his arms around me and said, 'Marti, you need to know that no matter what we decide or don't decide, I'm never going to quit on this marriage. Even if we have to live with this tension for the rest of our lives, I will never leave you.'"

When I read something like this I still think "Whatever, no one is going to stay together forever no matter what they have to live with". I'm like the lady Marti in the chapter, she came out of a really bad relationship where she put her all into it only to get hurt. She thought for sure that the man before would never leave her but he did and it was devastating. So, in her current marriage she carries that baggage, scared that any minute, any disagreement, any little fight will lead to her husband walking out the door and never coming back.

I am more secure in my marriage now than I was before. But like her with any disagreement, any sign of any unhappiness I am prepared for him to walk out that door like we never had anything at all. I'm used to people giving up on me, leaving, choosing someone else, that's just the story of my life. There are very few people that I know and trust will be there for me for the rest of their lives and to be honest I hope one is Michael but I can't put a million dollars on it. Not because of him for any reason but because of my own insecurities.

"To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, he will give eternal life. But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger" (Romans 2 7-8) "Married men or women who find themselves "falling in love" with someone else will have to continually make a choice to not act inappropriately and to watch their tongue. It will require far more than a one-time decision for them to maintain their integrity; they will have to persevere in righteousness."

In the chapter it goes on to say that the reasons we bail out of marriage is because it's supposed to be fun and easy all the time right? HAHAHAHAHA!!!! When the "time of testing comes" (Luke 8:13) or "life's worries" (Luke 8:14) get in the way of things we bail out. Like that is going to really make life any better. My life sucks so let me leave my wife and children for this other woman and satisfy myself. I really don't want to be a part of that wrath and anger the big man is going to have for me if I bail out again. I know now the consequences and I don't want to face them!

"If we have an eternal outlook, preparing for eternity by sticking with a difficult marriage makes much more sense than destroying a family to gain quick and easy relief. To run for relief, people are throwing away glory and honor that last for eternity. It's a horrible trade."

I totally agree that it is a horrible trade. Now I'm not saying stay with someone who gives you a black eye once a week or cheats on you every weekend with some hoochie at the bar. But we took vows before God, I made a promise to Michael that I was going to be here through it all no matter how tough it got. Well I bailed once when the going got tough but that was a lesson learned for sure!! I'm not going anywhere, I am not going to leave no matter how hard it gets. In the past his family has put so much stress on our relationship that I almost said forget it, I'm out of this picture, I am done with these people!! But I stuck it out and things are getting so much better with those who really matter. Oh, and I'm not trying to say that I was innocent in the family feud, but I have now learned that I don't have to worry about those things anymore. I married Michael and I made a vow to Michael and no matter how badly someone might want to run me off, it won't work.

I'm a trooper and I'm not a failure by any means. I don't usually let anything beat me, take me down and I am not a quitter!! I won't bail anymore, I learned a lot from Michael in our time of troubles. In church Sunday the preacher said you can see Jesus just about anywhere, in the people sitting next to you. During those times, looking back now, I seen Jesus in Michael's heart. For him to love the way he loves, hold his tongue the way he does, the patience and kindness he shows everyone. I used to see it as a weakness and now I yearn to be just like that.

"But our culture doesn't look at separation as evil, does it? It's "romantic". "It's courageous" It's "for the best, in the long run." Building a sacred history together teaches us to be persistent in doing good, even when we want to do something else. This commitment to perseverance teaches us the basic Christian discipline of self-denial. Once heaven becomes a part of your equation, the cost of divorce-God's wrath and anger, jeopardizing the future with a selfish attitude-becomes much too high."

It's good that in John 8:11 it tells us that the adulterous woman isn't condemned-she is simply told not to continue in her sin. Well I have been told! I most of the time do as I am told and this is something I will never ignore because I know what the cost is. We have to hang in there no matter how tough it gets, there is a reward in it. Not only for our souls, our spirit, but for our spouse, for our children. We have to set examples in this day in time and they need to be strong one's with all the evil that is acceptable these days to some people. I want my children to be strong in Christ, I want them to be confident to walk the narrow path, take the hard road with Jesus. I want them to know what real love is and how to love. Kids these days....man I have never in my life seen such disrespectful nasty mouths!! And their parents don't say anything about it and most I have seen encourage the behavior. Jace better never act like some of these kids do because I'm not the momma that's okay with that crazy stuff. OH and if I were their mother....they would see God's wrath through me!

"Even if they betray us in the most intimate sense-God can use that occasion to draw us closer into his heart. And then, God can use it to draw others to him as well." "What really happened was by staying faithful to an unfaithful husband, Leslie demonstrated the truth of a God who remains faithful to an unfaithful people." "We are always looking at what our spouses have done wrong, but God wants to deal with our own heart first."

In that second quote is what I mean by I seen God in Michael, I seen the love of Jesus, I seen the patience and kindness we are supposed to have and give. He was setting an example and he did it well! I don't even know if he knows that he was setting an example or that I seen what I seen in him. I do know that God is working on my heart, he is dealing with me and my craziness and bringing me back to what I used to be when I walked the narrow path faithfully as a teen before I took the wider road. I am getting back to that place and I hope I stay on the narrow this time. It may be hard but there are more rewards when you walk the narrow!!

How Marriage Exposes our Sins

My affair....

So, I guess I feel the need to "Air My Dirty Laundry" as a way of confessing my sins and to rid me of those sins. I am so tired of people using my dirt against me. Here's the thing, it really doesn't bother me when they bring it up. It goes to show how immature that person really is. But, I want to just get it all out there that way there are no secrets, people have "heard what they have heard" but they don't know the truth and since they are so nosy I will give them the truth. It's good for my soul anyway, I need to get it out there and off my chest. I was always told that my story could help someone else...so I hope this helps someone today.

Yes, I cheated on my husband. Was it the worse mistake of my life? One of them! I hate that I did what I did but I wouldn't go back and change anything because I now know that Michael loves me more than any man could ever love me. I know how committed he is to me and what a strong and loving person he is. It opened my eyes to a lot of things in my own life and character as well as his.

See, in the beginning I was scorned because a few months after Michael and I had gotten married he was trying to get back with his x-girlfriend. I shut down completely!! I thought this man I just married was nothing like other men, he wouldn't leave me, we were so much in love and had a strong and loving bond. Well little did I know at the time he was having some different feelings. From then on out after finding out how nasty my husband talked about me and what kind of person he really thought I was, nothing was the same.

Shortly after that came the addiction to drugs and then the affair. I was at a point in my life where I didn't care about myself much less Michael. He had hurt me in so many ways with the email I found, never taking my side, I was the one always thrown under the bus. I was tired of it. If I had a husband who wasn't going to fight for me what was the point of anything? I figured I had already failed by marrying someone like him. Now keep in mind I was never a saint. I was mean verbally at times, I went a little crazy when I had our son because I didn't agree with a lot of things. But the way I looked at Michael before all this happened, he was honestly my knight in shining armor. There was no one or nothing that could keep us apart. When I found the email, then everything else started to happen that view of Michael changed pretty quickly. I was hurt.

I trusted Michael like I had never trusted anyone before and he broke all of that and what hurt the most is the nasty way he talked about me and we had just gotten married and he was looking for a way out.

I have such guilt over the situation!! I think Michael and I have both grown and learned from our experiences. I think we love each other more now than we ever did. I seen a side of Michael that I don't know that I would have ever seen had the affair not happened. During that time when I was seeing another guy Michael stayed at my mothers house. Well when I would have to go to work he would come over early in the mornings so that I didn't have to wake Jace and he would stay with him all day until I got home. Well I didn't leave for work till about 6am and Michael would always show up about 3am, get on the couch with me and just hold me. Now what other man could have done that knowing I was seeing another man? That was a moment in time where I knew he loved me and he wasn't going anywhere. When he would get on that couch with me and wrap his arms around me, I felt the safest I had ever felt in my whole life. But at the time I was a messed up girl, confused and didn't know what I wanted.

We did have some funny moments during this time. Like my boyfriend had just left our apartment and I called Michael to come over cause Jace was acting all crazy and I was tired. Well the next thing I know I realize that my boyfriend is stalking me. I get a text message that says why is your husband at the house. Michael looked at me and said "well you just got caught cheating on your boyfriend with your husband". I busted out laughing and we still laugh about that today. I'm pretty sure Michael stayed that night.

Not all of the times were funny. Well I guess that was the only time. It killed me to see my husband in so much pain. He never ever gave up trying to get me back. It was annoying at times but it showed me what true love was. I had never seen Michael so vulnerable and hurt.

In the book I am reading Sacred Marriage it talks about a wife having an affair and the husband can't stop throwing it up in her face. The author calls it "a vicious grasp for power". Michael very rarely ever threw anything up in my face but you better believe I was real good at throwing Michelle up in his face any chance I got. I was so hurt and I was grasping for power. I wanted to make him feel small and make my pain not hurt so much. When really all I did was hurt both of us. It does no good to throw stuff up at people when they are still wounded so badly (or ever).

The author gives another story of a man who he and his wife had been together eight years and he felt as if his wife was boring and that she just didn't understand him anymore and that they've grown apart. When it is brought to his attention that what he is saying is really "I am selfish, and I am having serious priority problems-even to the point of risking an affair" he realized that it was him that needed to do some changing. He was looking for fulfillment in all the wrong places. When we get in places like this in our marriages it's good to first start changing ourselves and see what is really going on, what is missing. "The mature response is not to leave; it's to change-ourselves" the author points out.

The satisfaction you may find in an affair for a period of time is going to fade. It is only temporary!! All relationships have their hard times, we all can get to the point where we are bored or we feel certain ways but that is our issue to work through and running into someone else's arms is going to do nothing but make the situations worse!

"Sin will lead to self-destruction if we allow it to. The same sin that confronts two different men can lead one to a greater understanding and therefore to greater maturity and growth, at the same time that it leads another man into a cycle of denial, deception and spiritual destruction."

I know Michael and I came out stronger people, more mature, more confident in each other. I know now that he is always going to be there no matter how rough times get and that's what a marriage is about! He wasn't going to give up on us and deep down in my heart I wasn't going to give up on him or ever let him go. But we got thrown a few curve balls in our immature marriage and it has turned us into a much more mature couple. What was God's lesson to me? I think it was for me to see that not everyone is like the men before Michael. The one's who damaged me. It was to learn to love again, to get rid of this hard heart of mine because it isn't fair to my husband! So, all of this is coming about in my life. I am seeing all the lessons in the hard times and I am doing everything I can to get the most out of them.

MORE ON MARRIAGE AND PRAYER

"1 Peter 3:7 (Contemporary English Version)
7If you are a husband, you should be thoughtful of your wife. Treat her with honor, because she isn't as strong as you are, and she shares with you in the gift of life. Then nothing will stand in the way of your prayers."

So, here is some more good stuff to think about for those of us who are married or thinking about getting married. Again from the book Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas he throws out the verse above. The chapter is on Good Marriage Fosters Good Prayer. I don't do such a good job at praying, I forget....a lot. Maybe because I'm new at it or maybe because I'm a little lazy or maybe because I don't feel as comfortable right now doing it. I do write prayers on occasion because I enjoy writing and I express myself better when I write it down. So, when this chapter came up I was curious. There is an importance of Marriage to Prayers and I'm gonna layout a few idea's that the author laid out so we can think about this.

* "When Peter says that men must be considerate of their wives and treat them with respect so that nothing will hinder their prayers, he's directly connecting our attitude toward our wives with the fundamental Christian discipline."

So, with that being said and how the author describes it further (in my own words) is Paul is telling us that marriage will make our prayer lives, not that prayer will improve our marriages. I can see this. If my husband and I are supposed to be one flesh yet we aren't acting like we are told we should act in the bible then this will not only hinder our prayer lives but a lot of other things. If our marriage isn't good, if we don't respect eachother and take care of one another than we are distracted by those things which cause distraction in our prayers, which could possibly lead us away from our main purpose....to serve. Our marriages need to be healthy, we have to know how to love eachother, to treat eachother and live in a selfless way. It isn't about what I want or what I need. I have to let that selfish part of me go so that my husband and I can grow closer together in eachother and in God. When Michael and I are in harmony, I can focus more, pray more, love more, and have my focus where I need to have my focus!!

* "So, men, ask yourself a question: Do I respect my wife? If prayer has been a problem area for you, this could be the first place to look for some answers to why you've been having difficulties. And then follow this thought with another question you can ask your wife: Am I considerate of you?"

So, I've already admitted that I have a hard time praying and then I read this and hello there is my answer. Do I always respect my husband.....um NO. Do I try really hard recently and have been doing a lot better....YES! I don't even want to ask him that question because quite frankly the truth hurts and I don't know that I want to hear it! In the past I haven't been considerate at all, I didn't take into count what he might want or need, emotionally, physically, materialistically. It was all about what I was going through, what I needed and granted I was going through a lot but I didn't have to be so selfish and I didn't mean to be selfish and I don't think I seen it as being selfish until I looked back at situations. Now that I am trying to change and be the best person I can be I can tell my heart has changed, some of my thinking has changed. Something that I would have lashed out about a few months ago I am now able to hold my tounge. So, I can see God working on my heart already and answering prayers that I have prayed over and over again. I am so thankful for that!!

There is a whole other section in this book on Sex and Prayer but that's just too wierd for me to put together any thoughts on right now so I won't even go there!

* "Many marital disputes result precisely from this: You want something but you don't get it" James says we don't get it because we're looking in the wrong place. Instead of placing demands on your spouse, look to God to have your needs met. That way you can approach your spouse in a spirit of servanthood."

There are a lot of things that I have wanted and now reading this statement I think "well who am I to ask Michael to give me that". I can't put some of those demands on Michael because a lot of what I need boils down to things I do need to take to God. Michael can't fix what the last man broke, or fill the void my mother or father didn't fill, and he can't take away my insecurities. It's not his fault that in the back of my mind I always wonder if he's cheating on me, or when he's going to leave me like everyone else did. Those are my issues and I can't dare ask him to try and fix it. But when I feel lonely or scared, or anxious I need to pray about that. Michael or anyone else can fill me up where I need to be filled up. I've always looked in the wrong place.

The next chapter is How Marriage Exposes our Sin and that could get a little deep and my brain is tired tonight so I'll leave that for tomarrow. I'm so thankful for this book because it makes me focus on me and my faults and stops me from focusing on everyone else's faults. I'm a fixer upper kinda gal, so I love to get people who are really messed up and sort through their problems. I've found that most of the time it does no good for me or the other person and I have enough issues of my own anyway! So, thanks for reading my blog for those of you who are. Thanks for not judging me as this gets deeper and deeper. I wasn't going to analyze my life or this book but I read something and I feel I need to share it with everyone else. Be ready for the next one.....it should be interesting!

"27You know the commandment which says, 'Be faithful in marriage.' 28But I tell you that if you look at another woman and want her, you are already unfaithful in your thoughts. 29If your right eye causes you to sin, poke it out and throw it away. It is better to lose one part of your body, than for your whole body to end up in hell. 30If your right hand causes you to sin, chop it off and throw it away! It is better to lose one part of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell." Matthew 5:27-30



So, I think about this a lot and I'm sure a lot of women do, I guess maybe men too. I sometimes wonder what my husband is doing when he is at work. We all know about those bf/gf work buddies that some people have. I guess this may come from my own insecurities or that I was one of those people who always had a work boyfriend. Not with my husband, but if I was dating someone there was always someone at work or where ever that would show me some attention and I would eat it up.

Paul is saying if we look and lust after another person we are already unfaithful to our spouse. We all look right? I'm always so afraid of looking going a little too far. Sometimes I feel like I don't know my husband. He is one way around other people than he is around me. When I have brought that up in the past he says it's my fault for not letting him be himself in the past. For picking out every negative I didn't like at the time. It's true, I did do that and I can see where he doesn't know if he can be him around me. That really breaks my heart! But I guess the lesson I am learning is to be careful what we say to our husbands and wife's. That stuff sticks and it may come to the point to where they are afraid to say anything at all because "they are always wrong". I don't want it to be this way and we are still young enough where he can grow into who he is again with my trust and me shutting my mouth.

But I think what if it's too late. He doesn't get the attention at home that he wants or needs or hasn't in the past and there is a girl at his work who gives him what he wants at the time. I've been guilty of that. We are human and it happens but when I think of my husband getting happiness from someone other than me tears me apart inside. I don't want this for my husband, I don't want him to ever feel like he has to go somewhere else to get happiness.

Now that I am sober and I look back at how I treated my husband I am so ashamed of myself. I talked down to him, I made him feel like he was never good enough, I made his self-esteem slip away, he was afraid to say anything because if I didn't like it he had to deal with the repercussions. Marriage should never be this way. I was so messed up myself from drugs, my insecurities, the last man I loved that I took everything out on my husband. It wasn't fair at all!!!! Can I take it back...NOPE! Can I make it better, I really don't know but I hope so. I can't expect him to just come back to who he used to be after I have tore him apart for a year or longer.

I've mentioned before how selfless my husband is. He would do anything and everything just to please me. He would keep his mouth shut at times where he could've punched me in the mouth. He loved me when I was unlovable, he never gave up on me, he was there when I was committing adultery and fought for me. He cried for me when he dropped me off at the hospital, he was strong for me when there was no one there to be strong for him. I can't say enough wonderful things about him. So, the thought of some other person getting that from him makes me sick. I'm not saying that he is giving this to anyone else but with my insecurities, knowing how I was when someone was putting me through the very same thing I put Michael through really makes me sit on the edge of my seat. I know how it feels to be treated the way I treated Michael. I made a vow that no man would ever treat me that way again. Well that vow led me to turning into that man that mistreated me. I started acting just like him because I wasn't going to lose control again, I would not let someone run my life, talk down to me, cheat on me, tell me what I was going to do and when I was going to do it. Michael didn't deserve that because he would have never treated me the way that other guy did.

Be careful what you say to your spouse, be careful what you vow, be aware of who you are or becoming. I became someone I vowed I would never become in many different circumstances. I came back from all of it thankfully! Not everyone comes out of it, not everyone can overcome what I have overcome in my life. Not every man is going to stand by his wife's side while she acts a fool like I did. Something that Michael said that reassures me as to why we made it through all of this he said "I prayed every night that you would come back to me". Not that I was gone but he wanted the wife I used to be before I got physically dependent on the pills and lost my mind. Because he prayed, because he had faith, because he knows how to love we made it and I owe so much to him and God.

I love you Michael and I'm so sorry for everything I ever did. You are the most amazing, beautiful, handsome, loving man I know. I don't know how you are able to forgive so easily and love so easily. You are my hero, you saved me in so many ways and I don't know that I will ever be able to give back to you what you have given me. I'm learning and trying to be a better wife, mother and person in general. I hope that the rest of our lives I can spend it making you happy and giving you what you need. I love you!

FOR US MARRIED PEOPLE!

I am reading a book called Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas and he has some really great points that have got me thinking and I'm sure will make you think as well. I have noticed lately with a lot of young couples who are married they have no idea what the union of marriage is supposed to be like in God's eyes. In all honesty I think that is why so many marriages fail because God is not at the center of their marriage. When we all try to be more like Jesus as the bible instructs us to be, we become better more loving and caring people. Less things are less likely to end such as divorce. Here are a few points I'd like to throw out there that Gary has pointed out.............

Both male and female are made in the image of God. Genesis 1:27 "The fact that my wife is made in the image of God calls me to a far more noble response than simply refraining from being condescending to her." "My wife was created by God himself! How dare I dishonor her? In face, shouldn't it even give me pause before I reach out to touch her? She is the Creator's daughter, after all!"

When I thought of it this way I thought to myself, why in the world didn't I see it like that sooner? In the past I have always been so caught up in living in this world rather than dying in this world that I couldn't see someone as God's daughter or son. I didn't look at things before as God's creation, it was just a tree, big deal right? I have taken so many things for granted and probably missed God so many times in my life already that I don't want to do that anymore.

"Instead of focusing on what Lisa could improve, I should have been on my knees, begging God to change me. Does Lisa feel like she is married to Jesus? I am told over and over again in Scripture that my duty as a Christian is to become more and more like Jesus Christ" "But wait! The selfish me wanted to cry out. What about her? If I were really mature, I would have the same compassion for her weaknesses as Christ does. Respect is a spiritual discipline, an obligation that I owe my wife."

I tend to be that BUT WAIT person. I think sometimes, what good is it going to do for me to change and my husband to not? Why should I pamper him and get nothing in return, why should I take care of everything and get nothing in return? Well because I am supposed to be more like Jesus and Jesus isn't selfish and all of the miracles he preformed he never expected anything in return other than love. He washed the feet of people, something that only the lowest of low people did back then. How many of us would be like....ummm yea I don't think I'm going to touch their feet. You know how many times I do it to Michael!! I've been selfish in that way. To a man who is completely selfless!! All this time I have worried, well if I am that good to someone they will just take advantage of me. I've taken advantage of my husband. If people do take advantage of me at least I know I did what I could to please God.

"But if you still want to, you know, I can go along with it, she says. That's not fair I used to think. I don't want just a willing wife. I want an egar one. But now I see the process-The kitchen floor that has enough cereal on it to feed a family of mice for three winters; the pressure of getting the homeschooling lessons done, while lunches need to be made and clothes need to be washed and ballet and soccer practice need to be accounted for; and...." "And I realized it was nothing personal, but sometimes wives just get tired. That's just the way it works in a fallen world. Lisa didn't want to get tired. But she is made of flesh and blood-and what else could I expect?"

Thank you, thank you Mr.Thomas for pointing this out. I have only one child but three dogs, a cat and fish. I get tired! I sweep the kitchen floor three times a day, sweep the carpet once a day, someone has to clean the bathrooms, do the laundry, dishes and cook supper. It doesn't get done on it's own. That is tiring while also listening to a three year old all day who's new favorite phrase is "watch this mommy".

This is just a really great book and I wish I would have had it before I had gotten married, I wish some of the young people I know who are getting married or who have gotten married would have read it. It is teaching me how to love again the way Jesus loves, to be selfless, to respect and to not expect anything in return when you do something good for someone because that is expected of us in the first place.

ANOTHER WISE MESSAGE FROM JOEL

"Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for each other so you can be healed" James 5:16


Joel mentions that you reap what you sow. Well every time I heard this in life it was cause I done something wrong............."now you know you reap what you sow......it will come back ten folds". Well when you do good that also comes back to help you in your life. When we pray for others that gives God the chance to get in our hearts and souls to do even more changing.

I was addicted to drugs and my husband would say things like I wish I had my wife back. Well little did I know the drugs had taken his wife away. I just thought I was a mean, nasty person who didn't care about anyone anymore. Really it was the drugs who had taken over me. So, when I got clean and a little bit down the road Michael told me that he prayed every night that I would come back to him. There was nothing he could do but pray. He could have given up on me, he could have left me after all the nasty things I did to him but no he NEVER left my side and he prayed that God would bring me back out of the nasty place I was in.

Now I realize that those prayers he prayed helped me, God was listening and God did grab me and bring me back. I think Michael and God's team work was what saved me. I tried to stop on my own because Michael and I wanted to have a baby and I couldn't stop, that's when it hit me I had a problem. Let me make this clear......I wasn't one of these strung out girls, standing on the corner begging for pills, all I had to do was call my doctor. Back to my point....when I realized that I couldn't do it on my own I was so disappointed in myself. Have you ever been disappointed in yourself? OMGOODNESS......that's worse than my Popa telling me he's disappointed in me. Michael gave me the nudge everyday, maybe you need to go get help somewhere. That's all he would say.

Well I couldn't believe that I couldn't handle something....this control freak....are you kidding me? I am not easily defeated! Well those pills had me defeated and I didn't know it. So, day by day I would think about what I needed to do, Michael would talk about having a baby and I'd have to say "I can't because I will not put drugs in my body while I'm pregnant!" and that made me feel so low that I couldn't stop taking the pills even to have a baby.

Well the day came when I had a complete mental and physical breakdown. I knew what I had to do so I got online and searched for facilities for people like me. The next morning Michael was driving me to The Ridge and I cried the entire way. I was going to be without him and Jace for up to 14 days to detox. I was so scared, mostly of what my body was going to have to go through because I had never had to withdraw off of anything. That drive was the best thing Michael could have ever done for me. It will be a year in September that I have been off of those pills and I swear even when people talk about them it makes my stomach turn. I don't want to go back to that person, that addiction, that nasty ugly dark place I was in. God and Michael got me out of there. I owe them everything.

So, I have no idea how this blog post got turned into my story but I guess maybe someone needs to see it or hear it today so here it is. If I can get out of the addiction then anyone can. Life is too good to live it under the influence of something. I missed about a year and a half of Jace's life because I was on those pills. I was there but my brain wasn't, the pills really mess with the chemicals in your brain. Thank God for Michael and my addiction therapist that's for sure!!

SO PRAY FOR SOMEONE TODAY! IT WORKS, HE LISTENS, HE IS THERE, AND HE WANTS US TO PRAY FOR OTHERS.....JUST DO IT!

I'm not an addict

Yesterday the Devil was in full bloom!!

I got up this morning so tired because I didn't get to sleep until about 4am with all the stuff I was going through yesterday. Some nasty things were said about me, my past was thrown up AGAIN, everyone gained up on me except a few people. You want to know what it was over? I was trying to do was serve, love and show mercy. Can you believe it. I got jumped on for doing what God asks me to do. I seen nothing wrong with my post I made but others took it way way way wrong and then it became "bash Ashlee day".

The old me before I gave my life back over to God would have had some really nasty things to say to these people. But I am living a different life, a life that is to please no one other than God, so I did what God would want me to do and kept my mouth shut, prayed for those who are without God, those who were talking so nasty about me. I learned a big lesson in Humility yesterday.

So, when I got up this morning I prayed that God would show me what I needed to read in the bible this morning, what did he want me to take from this experience, what was I supposed to learn? He always pulls through doesn't he....LOL!! Here is what God had to say to me...... Psalm 16.....

What a wonderful God to say to me be like David. Know that I am your protection, I give you everything that you need, and in me your soul can rest in safety.

There is always someone or something trying to bring me down. In the past it would have worked but over the past year I have changed so much and recently as I have put all my faith in God and let him take over (bc my way never worked all that well) I have a sense of peace. I know I am going to be okay because I have God. I know that the things that people say come from evil and to pray for them, that they will find God like I did. I'm sure I had plenty of people praying for me when I acted all nasty. It must have worked!!

Yesterday I was so floored because I was lynched all because I was trying to do the right thing. I knew I was safe, I knew God would take care of the situation, I stood strong in my faith because I know God has my back. One person says "and yea you act like you are so into God wow ppl like you make me sick". Isn't that crazy, how people can be so nasty and cruel and especially when we are talking about God. I can't even imagine what God is saying about that. I know with my bible study this morning he wanted me to know to stay strong and to not let people bring me down. He walks with me and I walk with him.

God has let people see that I didn't mean any harm in what I had posted. The adults have apologized and those are the only one's I really care about, I don't sweat the others! Hopefully now they will see that I am not all about hurting others, that is the farthest thing from my mind. I do what God wants me to do and that is to even love my enemy, don't treat evil with evil and bless those who persecute you. That's a big pride barrier that I had to break to be able to treat others this way. But like I said before I am at peace with who I am, where I am and what all God has given me. No one can break my spirit as long as I have God. It was all out of good intentions, came from the bottom of my heart and got twisted into a big mess. But God had something in store for me. I thank him for that, I am always grateful.