Wednesday, June 16, 2010

"27You know the commandment which says, 'Be faithful in marriage.' 28But I tell you that if you look at another woman and want her, you are already unfaithful in your thoughts. 29If your right eye causes you to sin, poke it out and throw it away. It is better to lose one part of your body, than for your whole body to end up in hell. 30If your right hand causes you to sin, chop it off and throw it away! It is better to lose one part of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell." Matthew 5:27-30

So, I think about this a lot and I'm sure a lot of women do, I guess maybe men too. I sometimes wonder what my husband is doing when he is at work. We all know about those bf/gf work buddies that some people have. I guess this may come from my own insecurities or that I was one of those people who always had a work boyfriend. Not with my husband, but if I was dating someone there was always someone at work or where ever that would show me some attention and I would eat it up.

Paul is saying if we look and lust after another person we are already unfaithful to our spouse. We all look right? I'm always so afraid of looking going a little too far. Sometimes I feel like I don't know my husband. He is one way around other people than he is around me. When I have brought that up in the past he says it's my fault for not letting him be himself in the past. For picking out every negative I didn't like at the time. It's true, I did do that and I can see where he doesn't know if he can be him around me. That really breaks my heart! But I guess the lesson I am learning is to be careful what we say to our husbands and wife's. That stuff sticks and it may come to the point to where they are afraid to say anything at all because "they are always wrong". I don't want it to be this way and we are still young enough where he can grow into who he is again with my trust and me shutting my mouth.

But I think what if it's too late. He doesn't get the attention at home that he wants or needs or hasn't in the past and there is a girl at his work who gives him what he wants at the time. I've been guilty of that. We are human and it happens but when I think of my husband getting happiness from someone other than me tears me apart inside. I don't want this for my husband, I don't want him to ever feel like he has to go somewhere else to get happiness.

Now that I am sober and I look back at how I treated my husband I am so ashamed of myself. I talked down to him, I made him feel like he was never good enough, I made his self-esteem slip away, he was afraid to say anything because if I didn't like it he had to deal with the repercussions. Marriage should never be this way. I was so messed up myself from drugs, my insecurities, the last man I loved that I took everything out on my husband. It wasn't fair at all!!!! Can I take it back...NOPE! Can I make it better, I really don't know but I hope so. I can't expect him to just come back to who he used to be after I have tore him apart for a year or longer.

I've mentioned before how selfless my husband is. He would do anything and everything just to please me. He would keep his mouth shut at times where he could've punched me in the mouth. He loved me when I was unlovable, he never gave up on me, he was there when I was committing adultery and fought for me. He cried for me when he dropped me off at the hospital, he was strong for me when there was no one there to be strong for him. I can't say enough wonderful things about him. So, the thought of some other person getting that from him makes me sick. I'm not saying that he is giving this to anyone else but with my insecurities, knowing how I was when someone was putting me through the very same thing I put Michael through really makes me sit on the edge of my seat. I know how it feels to be treated the way I treated Michael. I made a vow that no man would ever treat me that way again. Well that vow led me to turning into that man that mistreated me. I started acting just like him because I wasn't going to lose control again, I would not let someone run my life, talk down to me, cheat on me, tell me what I was going to do and when I was going to do it. Michael didn't deserve that because he would have never treated me the way that other guy did.

Be careful what you say to your spouse, be careful what you vow, be aware of who you are or becoming. I became someone I vowed I would never become in many different circumstances. I came back from all of it thankfully! Not everyone comes out of it, not everyone can overcome what I have overcome in my life. Not every man is going to stand by his wife's side while she acts a fool like I did. Something that Michael said that reassures me as to why we made it through all of this he said "I prayed every night that you would come back to me". Not that I was gone but he wanted the wife I used to be before I got physically dependent on the pills and lost my mind. Because he prayed, because he had faith, because he knows how to love we made it and I owe so much to him and God.

I love you Michael and I'm so sorry for everything I ever did. You are the most amazing, beautiful, handsome, loving man I know. I don't know how you are able to forgive so easily and love so easily. You are my hero, you saved me in so many ways and I don't know that I will ever be able to give back to you what you have given me. I'm learning and trying to be a better wife, mother and person in general. I hope that the rest of our lives I can spend it making you happy and giving you what you need. I love you!